[Copy and paste the text below into communications with your Member of Parliament]

Scheme for Full Employment

Like the government, we're deeply concerned about the number of unemployed people sitting around at home all day doing nothing.

Fortunately, our team of dedicated experts has come up with a solution, the Scheme for Full Employment. This will be sent to government officials and media outlets. Here are its main findings...

Scheme for Full Employment

Recommends that:

1. Jobless people be employed as security guards in their own homes.

2. They have official-looking uniforms.


Reduces the number of unemployed.

• They no longer sit around all day doing nothing. Instead, they sit around all day maintaining the security of the premises.

• Fosters social responsibility.

• Increases self-respect (from wearing nice uniform).

• Develops skill-set.

• Reduces neighbourhood crime/terrorism.

Alternative role:

• For those who prefer not to be security guards, we recommend employment as Home Administrators.


• To be funded by the government (ie public funding).

Why should the government fund it? Well, the government already spends billions of pounds of public money funding job creation – eg schemes such as the New Deal, Regional Selective Grants, etc. Why not go a small step further to fight the evil of unemployment?

And, anyway, would you prefer public funding of idleness? Surely it's better to fund respectable jobs.

Frequently Asked Questions

Q: Won't these jobs be totally pointless?
A: Tell that to the security guards working at your local grocery.

Q: But there's no market demand for such jobs?
A: Don't you want to see this country have lower unemployment than France?

Q: But why security guards?
A: The security sector is growing. Even small village shops now employ security guards.

Q: Why's that? Has the risk of crime increased?
A: Er... next question...

Q: Won't it cost too much?
A: It's a small cost for showing the success of... er... market reforms in reducing unemployment.

Q: Shouldn't jobs be provided by the market?
A: Who cares as long as the press report falling unemployment.

This document is a plain text/printable version of www.anxietyculture.com/scheme.htm.